please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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