yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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