we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
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