eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
