he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
We have so much sex to catch up on
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
