Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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