we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
