Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
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