There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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