I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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