I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
