I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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