U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
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