1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
As shirtless as possible
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
