Who did Billy Mays play for?
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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