Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
