You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
