it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
