mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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