dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
