i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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