Actions speak louder than pants.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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