I look better un-naked...
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
