I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
