I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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