My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
