capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
