who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
