Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Randomize
