I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
