If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
