he wants to bone in the snuggie
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Randomize
