Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Randomize
