Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
