Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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