I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
