Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
