If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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