Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
