just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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