sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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