Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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