I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
