I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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