My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
