Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
