awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Is it because I queefed?
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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