The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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