Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
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