This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
