Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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