i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Randomize
